Proposed Hollywood versions of old wars and battles

Hastings: Betrayal & Loss

Set-up: William, Duke of Normandy has been promised the English throne by Edward the Confessor (played by Bob Hoskins). One man stands in his way: Harold Godwinson
Defining scene: When Harold realises that he’s been betrayed by his brother, he runs from York to the south coast in four hours to meet the enemy
Strapline: ‘The man. The dream. The tapestry.’
Improbable historical event: The use of a Leonardo Da Vinci-style helicopter to fire a flaming arrow into Harold’s eye
Hollywood twist: William not only captures the English throne but discovers America, where in 1070 he marries Lady Guinevere Mascara of Dieppe

Belgrano: Survival

Set-up: Colonel Arsenio ‘Taffy’ Diaz has 30 minutes to save his men from the Belgrano. Tragically, Diaz is from Welsh Patagonia and speaks no Spanish
Defining scene: Floating in the cold, dark waters of the south Atlantic, the Colonel lifts the spirits of his men by holding an impromptu eisteddfod
Strapline: ‘Can a man save a ship with song?’
Improbable historical event: Madonna, as the ghost of Evita Peron, blesses the men as they wait for a rescue
Hollywood twist: The Belgrano is rescued from the sea, restored to its former glory – and made into a floating music venue

Bad Day in Belgium

Napoleon knows that if he’s going to rule Europe, he needs to defeat his nemesis, Wellington. John Woo directs
Defining scene: The 18-minute, Tarantino-style musket shoot-out between Wellington and Napoleon
Strapline: ‘It’s 1815. And Napoleon Bonaparte has a headache’
Improbable historical event: As Napoleon is captured, Abba appear, disguised as toothless peasants, playing on mandolins
Hollywood twist: Napoleon is revealed as Wellington’s long-lost brother, Leonard. They make up and move to New York together

Henry the Fifth: Redux

Set-up: The defining story of the man who humiliated France and gave England its pride back at Agincourt
Defining scene: Henry V celebrates his triumph by refusing to eat coq au vin, plumping for a slab of overcooked beef instead
Strapline: ‘When you go to France, bring back a souvenir – like Paris’
Improbable historical event: Henry V: “Say, who’s that?” Black Prince: “Ah, just some scribbler called Shakespeare, nothing will become of loser”
Hollywood twist: Before the battle, Henry employs a gay Italian hairdresser called Franco to ensure his symmetry of his bowl cut is perfect