Ten tips for students by a media wanker who hasn’t been near a university since 1994

Above: Jilly and the gang prepare to get blitzed on crack and Veno’s at the college fucking “bop”

1) Get off with everybody. If you can't get off with anyone, get off with yourself

2) Beat up the resident goth – this will make you feel loads better. No one at “uni” is hard, so this is your chance to be the “cock”

3) In the first week, when everyone is dead nice to everyone else, make it your mission to be a sullen, introspective weirdo who Blu-Tacs cornflake boxes to his wall and tortures ants

4) Take Wet Wipes with you wherever you go - there is not situation on earth that cannot be improved with a weird soggy towel in a mad plastic bucket thing. Promiscuous people/those with digestive tract problems – this especially applies to you

5) Realise that all locals hate you and that your three-legged race pub crawl is an invitation for a person in a Mackenzie sweatshirt to kick fuck out of you. As is only right

6) Identify the swot in your class who asks loads of dead pointless questions in lectures – then push them off the top floor of the geography block. No-one makes you look like twat

7) Become the weird student who never goes to lectures, gets in with the local casino owner and leaves after eight weeks, never to be seen again. As in, “Er, whatever happened to to Julian?”

8) Middle-class northerners. Suddenly develop a Manc/Scouse persona somewhat at a odds with your upbringing in a big, mad tudor house with a moat round it and weekly trips to your old man’s golf club in Southport/Knutsford

9) Ask a passing female mature student to do your washing for you. Say, “I’m not being sexist, right, but you’re just like mum – and that’s a good thing”. Then ask her how she cooks fish fingers

10) Find someone with a load of ironic posters on their wall of Mr T/Knight Rider. Then set his bedroom on fire – ironically


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