London for visitors: a predictable 'alternative' guide

The Guardian's very pleased with itself thanks to its not-in-any-way predictable "alternative" London visitors' guide. Needless to say it's not funny, but is this going stop me doing my own version? Ha! I don't think so. The only downer is I'm not on some monster wedge to knock out this sort of gumph. Anyway, without further ado, here's my London tips

– Play "Find a Cockney". A near-impossible game which involves tracking down someone actually from London, and not a blandly accented phoney whose left-wing credentials haven't stopped them pricing out locals from the East End. One of them might be Banksy. Yikes!

– Keep count of the amount of meals that are served on enormous white plates/dishes in gastropubs. After a week you'll be in the hundreds, and you'll have eaten enough pork belly to last a lifetime. Note how old people have been clinically removed from these places, a bit like in Logan's Run

– Keep a record of everything you've done, then in two months time write an "alternative" guide to London for your local broadsheet newspaper. Concentrate on the East End and how its reinvented itself into a "virbant/edgy quarter" full of artists/software designers/anyone else who was crap at sport at school


– Start arguments in pubs. There's nothing more British than getting glassed. It'll also give you the chance to try out the NHS and see what G4S are like at mopping up blood

– Eat our amazing selection of crisps. Seriously, they'll make the piddling efforts in your Mickey Mouse country look like dog biscuits. That'll be a pack of prawn cocktail and one-nil to us, Jean-Pierre!

– Sleep with one of us. Seriously, we're easy and we'll do literally anything (including you-know-what) as long as there's some grog in it for us. Why go Faliraki for crap sex when you can come here and do some cool museums in your down time?