Seven Things You’ll Only Find in a Girls Bedroom

Crap Stereo
While you will quite happily spunk every spare penny you’ve got in the pursuit of hi-fi perfection, women take a more realistic view to their bedroom sound systems. In place of your Sennheiser headphones, Cambridge Audio amps and ten grand Linn turntable, girls are more than happy to make do with an Alba shoebox with a digital clock on the front and two gay speakers in pale blue. Though as the only things they listen to on it are either the Bridget Jones Diary soundtrack or the Saturday Night Slag Mix on Heart FM, it’s probably not that important.

Clip Frame Photo Montage
Open the door of any woman’s bedroom between the ages of 16 and 28 and you will be greeted with a huge clip frame crammed with pictures of various guffawing lummoxes from university or that trip Thailand. ‘Oh that,’ she’ll tell you, ‘is Ben, who like we met in Chang Mai? And the girl with like, the red hair, that is Jen, she is sooo my best friend?’ What she forgets to tell you is that a) “Ben” gave her genital warts, b) “Jen” is only there because she’s a moose who makes her look better in photos and c) her embarrassingly crass display will last until she buys her first copy of Elle Decoration and realises that sticking up photos is about as sophisticated as covering your bed in an Indian throw and lighting joss sticks.

Pile of Shoes
Man may have conquered Everest and made light work of K2, but as yet no human male has managed to come near the to scaling the heights of the shoe mountain that lies in every woman’s room. A gargantuan stack of assorted bits of over-priced leather and plastic, these towering alps of crap are testament to woman’s inability to resist the lure of the Office ‘Not That Much Cheaper Than Normal’ sale. You’d think that something that is invested in so heavily would be minutely catalogued, but the shoe mountain magically consumes single high heels and clogs by the dozen, leaving its owner with no choice to buy yet another pair – once they’ve checked whether Kate Moss is wearing them or not.

Athena Picture
While you’re more than happy to paper your walls with pics of not-quite-pornography or cheap-looking ’80s airbrushed posters of a Ferrari, women like to do things a bit more tastefully. Forgetting for a minute that their lives are very bit as sordid as ours, your typical young female will try and turn her damp-ridden box room into an enticing boudoir by Blu-Taccing some ‘iconic’ black and white poster over the big crack in the wall. Originating in horrendous ’80s shop Athena, these pictures take two forms; either a faux-intimate photo of some good looking couple having a phoney embrace or a body builder carrying two tyres out of a garage whilst wearing a pair of dungarees with one strap undone. Fatties always go for the latter.

Loads of Unread Books
Women love books, but find a woman who says she’s read all her library and I’ll show you a liar. While girls say that they’re into all sort of literary matter, like blokes, women actually read two types of book: a) rip-off self-help tomes written by over-earnest Americans with chubby fingers and b) brainless ‘chick-lit’ paperbacks about brainless bints who spend too much of their time buying H&M dresses and shagging blokes called Dan who live in north London. Needless to say, the biggest part of the unread pile is the one made up of brain-numbing Victorian ‘classics’ by antique literary boots like the Brontés or Jane Austin – all bought on a whim after seeing that twat from Fever Pitch emerge from a pond with his knob showing through his breeches that time on BBC 2.

Cuddly Toys
When you first meet a girl, her winning cocktail of filthy bedroom antics, dirty talk and liberal attitudes to rubbing her boobs with HP Sauce will have you thinking that you’ve just stumbled into an affair with a woman who lists her occupation as ‘fantastic lay’. Sadly, as time goes on, the suspenders and dildos disappear to be replaced by a menagerie of aged cuddly toys of every hue. Instead of a hand job under the duvet before work, the only person now getting any action off your missus is the stinking, one-eyed teddy she’s had for 30 years. No wonder the little twat’s got a smile on his face.

Old Cups of Coffee

Let’s face it, we men are beasts – happy to inhabit an environment where an old pizza box becomes a valued item of furniture and hardcore porn is ideal communal tea-time viewing. Women are obviously leagues ahead of us in this field, but their cleanliness achilles heel is just as disgusting as the embedded, second-hand ‘American Hot’: namely the ciggie-strewn cup of coffee. Most young women would balk at the idea of gardening, but every bird’s bedroom is strewn with half-full mugs that not only carry some horrendous cocktail of Nescafé and Silk Cut, but provide an ideal environment for killer bacteria to grow with impunity. Something to remember as you slurp on what you think is a fresh cup tomorrow, only to find out that you’ve just taken the an irreversible step toward terminal salmonella poisoning.


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