Seven new instant smears about the Tories*

*Includes one Liberal smear for the sake of fairness

Labour has proved once more that if you’re planning to destroy people’s political careers through unsubstantiated smears it’s best not lay out your plans in an email. However, as making up untruths about your rivals is an integral part of politics, each party should, from now on, be forced to appoint an independent ‘Smearmaster’ to write libels about MPs on the opposite benches. With no real link to the party, the Smearmaster would be free to lie at will without damaging the reputation of his or her paymasters. I am therefore putting myself up as the Labour candidate for this position. Here are a few of my very own smears, which can be rented out by the hour.

David Cameron has terrible eye/hand co-ordination and was always picked last in cricket at Eton

Every prospective Conservative parliamentary candidate has to excel at folk dancing and tapestry-making

George Osborne runs like a girl, and actually prefers skipping

At Boris Johnson’s stag party, several of the guests left early to go home and make scale models of catwalk fashion shows

Norman Tebbit has a subscription for The Lady magazine. He has yet to complete its crossword

Nick Clegg calls Vince Cable “Mummy” in private

Guido Fawkes has a tattoo of a dolphin on his ankle


  1. Like it; you've got my vote for the post of Smearmaster General anyway.

    But give them the ability to lie at will and we risk ending up with an entire political system embroiled in the Cretan Paradox.

    Repeat after me,'This is a smear. All smears are untrue.'

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